Note: this article is intended purely as humor. Please don't try these (unless you find step 2 kinky, then have at it.)
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Step 1: Find the nearest bar with a mechanical bull. Attempt to diaper and clothe said bull. Once you have mastered this, you might be capable of changing a twisting, squirming, wiggling baby.
Step 2: Have your spouse suck, nibble and occasionally bite down on your nipples at all hours of the day until they are raw, cracked and sore. This will prepare your nipples for the rigors of breastfeeding.
Step 3: Do not sleep for more than 1-2 consecutive hours. Every time you wake up, repeat step 2.
Step 4: Cover yourself in someone else's vomit, urine, poop, drool and snot without losing your lunch.
Step 5: Carry weights with you everywhere you go. If you need to use your hands, strap the weights to your body, but whatever you do, never drop them.
Bonus: Do all the above while listening to the sound of a baby crying, without going insane.
Congrats! You've completed all the steps and have become a parenting guru. Now go have some wine, you've earned it.